hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
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“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Oops I deleted….
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Meow
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.