Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
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Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh