It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
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My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess