Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
You Might Also Like
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Still my favourite meme.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏