do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
HELP 😭
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice