“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker