I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
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I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I am crying
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated