With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer