If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*