Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
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went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Me buying fruit and veg
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]