You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
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Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
groan^2
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My daily affirmation
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.