It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
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If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!