I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.