@ candidates for local office
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Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Print is alive and well!!!
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?