Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today