They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
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The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…