[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
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I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Happy Friday
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Yup.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”