cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
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every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Mornin. * use accordingly
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
another case of gang violins
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.