My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile