me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
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To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Mood.. 😂
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years