I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
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“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…