Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Great Canadian literature.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I need to get some bricks…
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”