The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
You deplete me
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.