9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
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when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Our lord and savoury.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.