Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
When your man makes a valid point
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
a badder mouse
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
*brings nachos to your exorcism*