Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
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Omg 🤣
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents