It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
girls literally only want one thing..
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.