*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
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Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
The 6 types of sex
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
You deplete me
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers