I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
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(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words