Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.