Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
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I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
it must be school picture day
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.