Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Cardio Made Easy
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?