When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Lmfao
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Owl Sanctuary
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.