I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
You Might Also Like
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Meow
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?