her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow