Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
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CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
This made me chuckle cuz mood
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
oh my god
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder