sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth