[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
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Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory