Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
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It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
The photographer’s assistant
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter