My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Jupiter
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!