Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
You Might Also Like
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I missed you with all my darts
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.