Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
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*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account