Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
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*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Yes, but it was never about money
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life