Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?