[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
You Might Also Like
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Cake safety first. Always.