I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.