“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out