Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Good point.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?