So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
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Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?