Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.